Posts Tagged ‘humor’

I almost missed Christmas – the whole Christmas season!
But it wasn’t my fault – and for very good reason.
I won’t say it had nothing to do with my slacking
And I won’t even blame it all solely on packing!
My intentions were good, I just had to postpone…
And only because I do not have a clone!

Try as I might, I can’t be here and there
There’s only one me and that just isn’t fair!
I’ve had more than enough to keep 12 of me busy
So my one measly brain has been all in a tizzy.

See, back in September I had a great thought
A marvellous plan of the gift-giving sort.
“Christmas is not just about spending money,
The presents I give should be heartfelt – or funny!”
I made up a list of gifts right then, it’s true
I’d order them early, before they were due.

It would have been perfect, had it all gone to plan
But soon after that, you-know-what hit the fan.

The house we were renting was put up for sale
Assignments were looming – I feared I would fail
My puppy turned three and my baby turned one,
My mother-in-law came to stay with her son
Lil Miss Awesome forgot how to sleep
(though mum-in-law claims to have heard not a peep)
My best friend got a job and he moved far away
But he gave us a Lease – in his house we would stay!

With my parents away and my husband at work,
It was all left to me – I was going berserk!!
I had to do most of the move on my own
Without any power, the Net, or a phone.
I thought I could manage – we weren’t moving far…
Then someone slammed into the back of my car.

So my plans for the presents had to be pushed aside
But family and friends, please remember – I tried!
“My intentions were good but it all got too hard
So you’ll have to make do with this heartfelt Gift Card.”

A very belated Merry Christmas to all my blogging buddies!
Thanks for reading – and here’s hoping I can get my act together in 2012 ūüôā

(I’ll keep the bad rhymes to a minimum, I swear.)

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It is my great pleasure to announce that
I’ll¬†Come Up With a Title Later, I¬†Swear
is now an *** AWARD-WINNING *** blog!

The Hobbler absolutely made my day today by nominating me for The Versatile Blogger Award,¬†and I can honestly say that this blog would never have achieved such extraordinary heights without her influence. All kidding aside, I somehow stumbled upon Hobbling Around while I was still toying with the idea of starting a blog, and I’m glad I did. Witty humor, advice, nudism – her blog just has it all, and although The Motivator gets the credit for inspiring me to start my blog, I probably wouldn’t have kept it up if it hadn’t been for The Hobbler signing up as my first subscriber (before I really had any content, mind you – how’s that for optimism?) and leaving an encouraging comment. So thank you very much Hobbler, keep up the great work – and for anyone who hasn’t already done so, go check out her blog!

Now, apparently to accept this award there are a few things I need to do. Here goes…

The Rules:
  • Thank and link to the person who nominates you.
  • Share seven random facts about you.
  • Pass this award on to five new blogging friends.
  • Contact and congratulate the awarded bloggers.
The Random Facts:
  1. I’m a sleepwalker (when I do actually get to sleep). So is my husband. It looks like Lil Miss Awesome is doomed.
  2. I love horror movies but I refuse to watch them in front of Lil Miss Awesome because I don’t want her to grow up to be as twisted as I am*, so – since she seems to think she doesn’t need sleep – I haven’t watched any horror for a long, long time. Which is probably a good thing considering I have to get up so many times during the night…
  3. My eyes change colour depending on what mood I’m in. Really, they do. For example, if my irises are green that means I’m in a good mood, if they’re dark blue then I’m most likely upset (or about to be hit with a killer migraine), and if they’re black/red then I’ve probably been possessed by some demonic spirit… either that or I’m slightly annoyed… I don’t know what colour they turn when I’m really angry because nobody’s ever survived to tell me.
  4. I haven’t quite figured out what I want to be when I grow up, but I’m working on it!
  5. Prior to pregnancy there was only one movie that ever made me cry (‘Goodbye, Mr Chips’ – the 1939 original, not some crappy remake). Since then, there have been several. Warning: DO NOT mention the movie ‘Up’ in my presence unless you have a box of tissues on standby. And, yes, I do realise that Up is a kids movie and that it’s not supposed to be sad.
  6. I hate poetry (well, at least all the poetry we’ve studied as part of my English major) but when I was a teenager¬†I wrote a¬†couple of poems that ended up being published in an anthology. I keep waiting for a good opportunity to throw the fact that I’m a published poet back in my creative writing teacher’s face – you just wait, next time he complains about me being closed-minded about poetry he’s gonna cop it…
  7. I’m not scared of spiders, snakes or even Freddy Krueger…but don’t get me started on cockroaches, leeches or *gulp* oompa loompas…

* I should point out that my parents did not expose me to horror movies as a child, I’m just naturally twisted.

And The Awards Go To:
  • Blond Zombie¬†I’d say that I have a lot in common with Blond Zombie –¬†but that’d just sound like I was talking myself up.
  • Classy Gallie¬†Ok, so most of her posts make me feel old and uncool but she cracks me up nonetheless.
  • H.E. Ellis A great blog and hopefully one day I’ll get around to reading her book, The Gods of Asphalt.
  • Mommy-fied¬†I love this blog because my baby is roughly the same age as Mommy-fied’s so I can totally relate to her posts.
  • Typical Tracy¬†I’d actually be very surprised if Typical Tracy¬†hasn’t already received the¬†Versatile Blogger Award, but I’m nominating her anyway.

And an honourable mention to Brooke’s Random Ravings¬†– hopefully she gets around to posting some new ravings soon ūüôā

It’s true. I’m sure this will come as quite a shock to anyone who has only known me post-pregnancy (when hormones and sleep-deprivation started turning my brain to mush) but once upon a time I was a fairly intelligent person, capable of such impressive feats as: holding actual conversations and *gasp* constructing full sentences without even breaking a sweat. Hard to believe, I know. Nowadays, even when I can somehow manage to organise my thoughts into words, the signal seems to get disrupted somewhere between my brain and my mouth so that everything I say comes out as gibberish. The same goes for my writing; last week I had to write my first formal essay since having Lil Miss Awesome and not only did it take me about ten times longer than it would have in the old days, but by the time I finished it I’d gone off on so many different tangents that I completely forgot what my argument was supposed to be. The whole thing really needed to be rewritten but since I only had 25 minutes before the submission deadline, I had no choice but to hand it in as it was. I’m really dreading getting my marks back. Not so much because I care about the grade – the idea of doing Honours seems to have lost some of its appeal – but because my lecturer for this course didn’t know me back when I was smart. I feel like I should have sent a cover note with my assignment, something along the lines of:

“Please find attached my assignment. This essay took more effort than any other I have ever written…unfortunately it is also the worst essay I have ever written. Sorry. I’m not really a moron, I swear!”

*Sigh* I really miss my old brain.

Some of the other things I miss about my pre-motherhood life
  • Sleep!!!¬† Including, but not limited to:
      • Averaging more than 3 hours of sleep per night (or at least having the option to put my insomnia to use on one of my many unfinished projects)
      • Having the option to go to bed earlier than 11.30pm without being woken up 45 minutes later
      • Blocks of sleep lasting longer than 45 minutes
      • Sleeping-in on… well, any day would do
  • Long hot bubble baths that aren’t interrupted by an attention-hungry baby…
  • Being able to set my own schedule without having to allow for play time, nap time, feeding, changing etc
  • Being able to leave things to the last minute because I can always make time later…

Oh, and being allowed to take my migraine medication would be nice too…

Things that I now couldn’t do without
  • Being greeted every morning with big smiles, cuddles and kisses
  • Having someone actually enjoy my singing!
  • My own personal entertainer – who’d have thought that peek-a-boo was so hilarious?!
  • Having an excuse to watch Monsters Inc. and various other kids’ movies
  • Listening to cute babbling stories punctuated with giggles
  • The excitement of hearing my little darling call me “Mama” for the first time ūüôā

As much as she is driving me mad at the moment, choosing to have Lil Miss Awesome is still the smartest thing I’ve ever done, and I wouldn’t trade her for all the brain cells and luxuriously long bubble baths in the world.

Although a couple of hours’ sleep wouldn’t go astray…

Well, I’m sticking with my Procrastinator-Post-A-Week commitment but I’m going to have to keep this post fairly brief because a horde of zombies has stopped me from getting anything productive done today…or yesterday…or just about any other day this past week. It’s not my fault, though! As I’ve mentioned previously, The Motivator has got me hooked on Call of Duty: Black Ops (the Zombies part of it, anyway) and now at odd moments during the day I’ll find myself daydreaming about whether it’s better for me to get the power on quickly and use my points to buy the Bowie Knife, or to take the risk on the mystery box and hope that I’ll score the Ballistic Knife or Thundergun (I’m usually not that lucky).

Lately I’ve managed to (mostly) resist the temptation of playing on my own – which may have something to do with the fact that I don’t get very far by myself and the zombie-gollum thingies freak me out – but now we’ve made the mistake of introducing my sister and best friend to the game too, and with four players the game is just that little bit more interesting…

So far Lil Sis has managed to avoid the addiction and only plays when we ask her to, so either she has a lot more will-power than the rest of us or she’s just not that interested in having The Motivator yelling instructions at her and whingeing when she takes ‘his’ kills. Probably a bit of both. My best friend on the other hand is hopelessly obsessed and I am therefore holding him responsible for my total lack of productivity. I had a lot planned for this weekend (unfortunately all homework or housework related) but it’s very difficult to turn down a good zombie hunt.

Besides, I have a very severe case of writer’s block at the moment and I can’t even remember what the book I am supposed to be analysing is about so it only makes sense that I should take a break and kill zombies. It’s great inspiration.

PS. Does anyone know if there’s a way to get the Thundergun in Kino Der Toten without using the mystery box??? Because I am really sick of getting stuck with the Dragunov against a theatre full of zombies and gollum-thingies.

But one of these things probably stopped me from doing it in the first place:

Facebook
I’m listing this one first because it’s the one I’m most ashamed of. I don’t even like Facebook but that doesn’t stop me from checking my Facebook page at least daily. Usually more. At least I’ve (somehow) managed to avoid the dreaded FarmVille plague that seems to have infected some of my ‘friends’…

Catching up on the ‘news’
Arrgh! I used to have Ninemsn as my home page but I had to change it back to Google. I found that every time I needed to pay a bill online or find a phone number or any other five-minute task it would end up taking me an hour because for some reason I just had to find out what Justin Bieber was wasting $15k per week on and that would lead me to some other very important article. Like the one about someone finding a live rat in their loaf of bread. Compelling stuff.

Housework
At least this one is productive! My house always seems to be the cleanest whenever I have an essay or other assignment due. Not that my house is usually very untidy but I’m just saying, if I have the choice between describing the art-making strategies of the historical avant-gardes in blah blah blah or cleaning the microwave, the microwave wins hands-down.

Looking for random objects that I’ve only just realised are missing but now can’t seem to function without
Unfortunately this one happens all the time. I don’t know why it is impossible for me get started on my filing¬†after I’ve discovered that¬†my left¬†weight lifting glove is missing, but apparently it just is. It doesn’t even matter that the glove has probably been missing for three years (because that’s when The Motivator bought them for me¬†–¬†in his deluded optimism¬†that I might actually go to the gym), or that¬†I have no intention of lifting any weights. I just need it, okay?

Killing zombies
The Motivator recently introduced me to the Zombie game in Call of Duty: Black Ops and, although I can say in all honesty that I am nowhere near as addicted to it as he is, I’m still finding myself drawn to the Xbox far more than I should be…

Well this blog is off to a great start – I managed to spend five whole minutes working on my first real post before getting completely sidetracked and forgetting what I’d planned to say (but at least I got my washing done). Unfortunately this is a frequent occurrence for me because I have a phenomenally short attention span (we haven’t ruled out ADHD just yet) and I tend to multi-task just a little bit too much…

So, I decided that rather than wait until I remember the point I was trying to make in Confession #1: My ulterior motive, I should just move onto Confession #2 instead and explain that – for obvious reasons – the majority of my posts will be short.

And, yes, I do realise that I could’ve just renumbered this post but that’s not how I do things ūüėõ